Thursday, August 5, 2010

Like Benjamin Button, But in Reverse

Young Toby
I have noticed lately that as I age in years, I am aging inversely in maturity. It would seem that in many ways I am more a kid now (and in others the same amount of kid-ness...luckily, in some areas I've grown up).

As a child I always wanted to grow up much faster than nature intended. I had no interest in being a kid, I was ready to be an adult. I partially attribute this to the fact that my parents were always having fun. They had people over all the time for visits or parties and my dad was always travelling for work, which I am sure was much less interesting than I imagined. The other part is just who I am, everything goes directly from 0-100. My dad says that when I was a kid, when I stood up, I started running immediately; that I wanted to go from breast milk right to foie gras. It's not like I wasn't interested in kids things; I loved Lego and puzzles and collecting cards and playing with friends and water balloon fights. I just wanted to be a grown up. I often related to them better and I looked forward to all of the joys I thought adulthood would bring.

One day when I was about 3 years old, my parents were painting a room and I very much wanted to help. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "Hey can I help you paint?"
Mom: "I think we're okay sweetheart."
Me: "But I really want to help!"
Dad: "Not this time around, son."

(Five or so minutes later)

Me: "Can I help paint?"
Mom: "We talked about this already."
Dad(irritated by this point): "WE SAID NO!"
Me: "LET ME PAINT!!!!!!!"
Both Parents: "NOOOO!!!"

(I go into the hall and put some serious thought into it before putting my hand in my pockets and strolling back in)

Me: "Say, wasn't I going to paint that wall?"

My parents wanted to be really angry with me, but apparently they were laughing too hard. I still didn't get to paint the wall, though.

When I was younger, I never really had that sense of invincibility that kids seem to have. Possibly because of this:

Broken Skull
(I love how it says 'Toby is the son of Steve Milton, writer for the Blue Jays' like that would make people pay more attention or something)

I was always a little timid about the bigger, faster rides, the higher diving board and other such things. I would still do them, but I certainly was not the first one in line, nor was I running into them full steam like you see some kids do. Then one day, like a lightswitch, I realized that I was in fact indestructible! "Hey I didn't die when I hit my skull, Nothing can kill me!" This lead to a streak of trampoline jumping from the roof, the biggest rides, cliff diving from whatever rocks I could find, tattoos, para-sailing and eventually, skydiving. I thought it would maybe wear off, but skydiving was only a couple years ago and I was cliff jumping this weekend. Also, I am still aching to go bungee jumping. Perhaps one day I will break my leg, or hopefully, just realize I am too old for such things. With some luck,
that realization will happen before the being too old and therefore leg-breaking does.

Skydiving Some ruin of a building
(I didn't have health insurance coverage on either of these jumps....though it wouldn't have helped if something went wrong skydiving)

Some things never change, though.

I was eating a toasted bagel with peanut butter and banana the other day and as I went to wipe all the peanut butter off my face afterward, I was reminded of a trip I took to an apple picking place when I was a kid.

We used to go as a family to pick apples in the fall, usually on Thanksgiving Monday. On this one particular time, one of my friends was with us, and one of my parents had offered to buy us something from the bakery. We asked if we could have something cake-y and the thing they had was a brownie. But this was no ordinary brownie, it was a super-size brownie.

Doomed to Fail

I looked at the brownie trying to figure out how I could possibly attack it without getting it everywhere. I thought maybe from the corner, but no. I tried breaking off a piece, but it just got my hands all messy.

Child-Head-Sized Brownie

Eventually I just forged ahead and chowed it down the way that any child would. Why would they make a brownie that large? Kids are the only ones who would possibly buy such an item and they'll only ever end up looking like this:

Brownie Face

This is not a huge issue for kids, as I am sure you have seen many kids walking around with crap on their face from similar endeavours. However, every day as a 27 year old, I eat a Toasted bagel with peanut butter and banana and it leads to a similar situation.

How do I eat this?

I look at the bagel, looking for the point with the least amount of peanut butter and then I try out a bite. Sometimes I get a few bites in before it happens, but I always end up with it on my face. On a good day, it'll be only on the corners of my mouth, but on a bad day, when those bananas really push that melty peanut butter into globs, it's more like this:

Messy Adult Face

You'll notice the lack of smile in this one, because I'm an adult now, so I should be sad about making such a mess. It happens with other foods, too, but nothing as bad or as often as this.

Luckily I have the presence of mind to get quickly to the washroom and wash off the mess, but sometimes there's a customer at the counter that needs help and I can't quite bring myself to say "Hold on one second I have peanut butter all over my face like a little kid."

P.S. I know that Benjamin Button in reverse is just regular time, it's something I read on lamebook.

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